My Used-to-be In laws were wheat farmers in Montana. I never saw Mildred drive a tractor or combine or pick rock in the fields, but in her supporting role she was as much a farmer as Herb.
Besides farming wheat and doing the upkeep on the farm and equipment, Herb liked to run some cattle down near a creek in the most wonderful little valley I've ever had the chance to visit. It had a meandering creek running through it that one could cross on a 4-wheeler numerous times while trying to go in a straight line from point A to point B. There were tall Cottonwood trees that at times during the year would blow off little tufts of white cotton into the air making it appear there were snow flurries in the Summer. It was quiet. Quiet to the center of my soul. I could feel the quiet all around me and breath it in.
We traveled to visit at the farm some time each year during the the majority of the 26 years I was married. More about that later. . . .
One summer day I found myself down in the valley by the creek sitting in the old brown pick-up alone with Herb staring at his cows. Ross and the kids were probably out feeding the cows "cow cookies." Herb was gazing out the dusty front windshield and without turning to look at me he said, "Ya know, I've always wondered something." "What's that, Herb?" "Ya see that little bittie calf over there?" "Which one, the little brown one?" "Any of 'em." "Ok, yeah." "If I could lift that calf the first day it was born and then come down here every morning after that and lift it again, why can't I lift that cow? A little bitty calf can't gain that much weight over night." I thought about that for a moment and then replied, "Well, I guess one day the calf's body mass out weighs your muscle mass and then that's it." "Hmmm," Herb Hummed.
That thought has stayed with me all these years. Why can't I lift that cow? When my marriage was falling apart and I couldn't do anything to stop it. When my daughter started making life choices that were terrifying to me. When my boss told me that he expected me to get "better and better at your job every year." When the doctor told me I had tendinitis in my wrist and hand as a result of trying to get better and better at my job every year. When I look at those same hands and see age spots. And the list goes on and on.
I'm overweight. (What else is new)
I'm completely out of shape. ( Can't climb 3 stairs without getting winded)
I have accounts with two online video game places where I compulsively play seek and find games. (I use the hints allot)
I download books off of Audible.com and listen to them on my IPod because I fall asleep when I read.
My Streams In The Desert has dust on the cover but not as much dust as my Bible.
I haven't been to church in almost 9 years because I work on Sundays.
I'm starting to learn to knit and unraveled my first serious project (a felted lunch bag) 17 times.
I never got floor mats for my Honda and now I think I'm getting a hole in the rug.
I actually have a kitchen sized garbage bag on the floor on the passengers side of the front seat of my car to hold all the detritus from Quik-Check, Wendy's, McDonald's, Dunkin Donuts. . .
I try to cook but end up getting a salad at Chipotle and a fruit flavored Gelati at Rita's too often.
I have very few friends with skin. Lot's of friends on Facebook and email.
My one real relative who lives about 20 minutes away from me doesn't want me in her life.
I'm honestly not whining. I'm writing down where I'm at now. Kind of like the State of the State address. This is the State of the Candace. I'm aware that I can affect change in my life, but it seems kind of like trying to "lift that cow". Insurmountable. Somewhere down the road I've traveled my life circumstances seem to have out weighed my psychic muscle mass.
Twice in the last few weeks folks have made the statement "You don't have a life." They recognize the fact that all I seem to do is go to work and go home. My facebook life consists of commenting on other people's lives. I love hearing about people's vacations and nights clubbing. I pump them for details. I think about going places and doing things - and then I sit down and watch the latest episode I've DVR'd of David Tutera's My Fair Wedding, or Toddlers & Tiaras, or RuPaul's Drag Race, or The Fabulous Beekman Boys.
This is the Ground Zero of my life. I'm 60 years old for God's sake. This is the place where I'm going to try and work out where I'm going and what I'm going to be doing for the rest of my life.
